Cigarettes

by Tilly(!)

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1.
03:32
2.
03:14
3.
03:31
4.
5.
02:05
6.
7.
03:20

about

Live tracks with some added vocals.

credits

released September 23, 2014

Vocals/Guitar: Tilly Hawkins
Recorded, mixed, and mastered at Civil Recordings in Denton, TX.
Art by Duck Armstrong.

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about

Tilly(!) Weatherford, Texas

Tilly Hawkins. Austin, TX.
campfire sadcore

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Track Name: Cigarettes
I'm burnt out, like the cigarette in my hand.
When did I get here? I don't understand.
How did I lose all sense of direction?
I'm diving head first for that social infection.

Have I been asleep for days, or have I not slept in days?
Either way, something has got my mind frayed.
It's all just a blur. I've been thinking of her,
but I want you. Do you want me too?
Sweat could drip, finger tips, could touch your skin and touch your lips.

I'm breaking down and I'm throwing up, but I'll pour my loneliness into a cup.
My vision blurs, my words start to slur, you're beautiful but I wish you were her.
So tell me now, tell me please, tell me honestly...does it fucking matter?

(noise)
(another noise)
(a longer noise)

I can't seem to work up the courage to care about anything.
Yeah, I'm scared to give a fuck and the pain that it could bring.
Call it apathy addiction, I'm a junkie by trade.
Taking needles of a lack of interest into metaphors of veins.

I can't seem to break out of here.
Time won't stop and the deadline draws near.
I'm almost nineteen, I should be more than I am.
Life can't move quickly enough, I need a guiding hand.
But God's not real, and your mom's not real, so I'm
Stuck. Just. As. I. Am.

But I guess I..I could be....
I could be cool. with that. Yeah I could be cool with that.
I've pulled myself through a lot of shit, what's some fecal matter compared to me?
I could be cool, with that. Yeah I could be cool with that.
As long as I can promise me to be all I can be.
Track Name: Tonight
Each night around half past two, the smoke turns to fog and my senses reclude.
No hope that I will make it, but a dream that I will die.
I can't see, I can barely breathe, but I hear a whisper calling to me.

It says...

Tonight, you are not alone.
Tonight, you have friends and a home.
If you can't see that for yourself you don't deserved to be here at all.

As I open my eyes I can see through the fog, and my surprise
all my friends are gathered around me with weird looks of concern in their eyes.
They say, "Hey, are you alright?".
And in response I say, "Yeah, man, I'm fine.".

They say...

Tonight, you are not alone.
Tonight, you have friends and a home.
You have love to cushion the fall.
You shouldn't have to feel so small.

Tonight.
Track Name: Cheer Up
I want you to be happy, I just want you to smile.
I want you to be happy, you've been wearing that frown for a while.

I want to be there for you even on your darkest days.
I want to be the one to hold your hand when you're feeling down.
You're so down.

You've helped me through my toughest times.
You make me happy.
You know you do.
I just want you to feel the way I feel when I'm with you.

I want to get next to you, and tell you it's all right.
'Cause I would do anything for you if it would make you feel just fine.

I want you to be happy, I just you to smile.
I want you to be happy, every once in a little while.

You've helped me through my toughest times.
You make me happy.
You know you do.
I just want you to feel the way I feel when I'm with you.

You're so down.

When you're crying you can always cry on me,
And when you're hurting you can open your eyes and see
My face and I'll see you too.
And you'll know that I'm here for you.

I just want you to feel the way I feel when I'm with you.
Track Name: Breathing Is Good For You
You're no musician, you're just contradiction.
You seek fault in everyone else, but you're riddled with faults yourself.
Your judging eyes haunt all that they see.
I just hope you never set those eyes on me.

I've got no motivation, I practice alienation.
I'll seclude myself because I'm so sick of everyone else.
My vacant eyes miss all that they see.
I just hope you never look too deep into me.

Your words hit piano keys and my mind holds the strings.
Every note you hit changes what I sing.
And your symphony is ringing with foul, harsh tones.
As we near the ending, you're breaking all my bones and I'm alone.

I'm no musician, I'm just teenage bitchin'.
I'll sedate myself with drugs and everything else.
My self destruction is what I live for.
Hey if I'm fucked up, maybe I won't be bored.

You've got no motivation, you like complication.
You could be out of this town, but you'd rather wear a wedding gown.
And if you really had bigger dreams, I know you'd find a way.
You'd kick and you'd scream.

Your words hit piano keys and my mind holds the strings.
Every note you hit changes what I sing.
And your symphony is ringing with foul, harsh tones.
As we near the ending, oh god I wish I was alone.

I guess it's not the worst that could happen.
You could slit my throat or break my knees.
But that'd be unreasonable, there'd be no need.

I pound my fists at nothing and I'm tearing at the seems.
Trying to find something, but I forget to breathe.
I'm gasping.
Track Name: Sappy Hatred
At first I hope you're happy with him.
And I hope that he loves you more than I can.
I'm nauseous and alone, in a room full of friends.
My stomach feels empty, my mind is feeling dead.

You're kissing him, with his arms around your waist.
And I'm breaking skin, my hands like claws at my face.
If I could shut off my mind, maybe I wouldn't care.
But I'm stuck on your voice and the brush of your hair on my face as I hold you tight.

But then I just realize that baby, well, frankly...

I don't give a damn about what you think of me.
I hope you get ugly and get a disease.
One that makes your hair fall out, makes you fat,
I don't care.
As long as you're just writhing around in pain and despair.

Cry, cry, cry over me.
I want you to cry over me.

Choke and die.
Track Name: The Moon Song
I saw the sun today for the first time in a week.
Crawled out of bed today 'cause I just can't sleep.
All I see when I close my eyes are yours, staring into mine.

They're singing come to me, follow me.
Come to me, I will put you to sleep.

And I can't smile.
I can't feel a thing.
The moon is my only friend.
He watches over me, shines his light so I can see.

And he's singing come to me, follow me.
Come to me, I will put you to sleep.

If only there's a way I could stay, to see you every day.
And if you wouldn't tire of me, maybe we could go to the sea.
I've never been, but I heard it's nice.
If I were to ask, oh would you think twice?
Or would you come with me? Just you and me and the sea.

Oh I ask will you come with me? Will you follow me?
Will you come with me? Will you put me to sleep?
Track Name: Ideas
God I feel so empty, where are my insides?
I swear you took them, took them that night.
Maybe I left them in your clothes, lying on my floor.
Maybe I left them in the folds, does this make me a whore?
I may be full of blood and guts, but I do not have a soul. Oh!

Life was so much easier when I just wanted to die.
I didn't have to worry about what to do with my life.
Now i've got anxiety, that I'll never make it in this industry.
I'm far too stubborn, I can't work with others, and it's all about who you know. Oh.

You'll see me, you'll miss me. For what I'm gonna do.
Yes I'll be the best man in the world for you.

Though I'll never have you, I will always love you.
I'm okay with being lonely, I write music it helps with what I do.
And always I shall keep you in mind, while I'm saving the world one song at a time.

When I realised I'd never die, it was disturbing to say the least.
I was meant for something more, and this I truly do believe.
'Cause I can't stand the thought of never changing a single life.
I've got all these ideas and solutions in my mind.

Religion, community, a hive like state of mind.
We need to pull our heads out of our ass and climb.

It's okay if I'm never well known, as long as I change just one life.
If I can do that, I will have accomplished these goals of mine.
People are so fucking dumb, living their life under the weight of a thumb.

Though I'll never have you, I will always love you.
I'm okay with being lonely, I write music it helps with what I do.
And always I shall keep you in mind, while I'm saving the world one song at a time.